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j a d e d . r a m b l i n g s
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| | Subject: | Mine! | | Time: | 03:15 am |
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| I'm beginning the process of putting my mark on life.
I don't know how it'll look like from day to day, but I hope to own up to each day and make an effort to put a little personal touch into my:
- conversations
- knitting projects
- photography
- written notes
- IMs
- e-mails
- phone calls
- surprise visits
- going on random trips to random destinations
- reading new books/magazines/articles
- living life to the fullest
- [insert unknown activity here]
But then again, it is a little past midnight, and I'm a little tired. Hopefully this won't be a fluke post I regret later... hopefully. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| I can't stand it anymore. My heart is being squeezed and pulled apart in all directions.
I'm having such a hard time grasping this news, knowing that I can't do anything to rectify this situation. I know that it comes with growing up and getting older... but I've never been this affected before. I'm sitting here trying to sort out my emotions and my thoughts, bawling at the same time. My tears are running down my cheeks and I can barely see my screen.
Last week my mom told me that my grandmother (Guama) in the Philippines was admitted to the hospital and eventually fell into a coma. My cousin, Jen, who came to visit for six months kept me posted on Guama's state... each and every time it sounds worse than the last... and even though I called to wish my mom a happy birthday, it was hard knowing she's losing her mother... and has to deal with deciding along with her siblings what to do next with regards to keeping Guama on meds or on the machines.
I've kept my emotions in, but I can't handle it anymore. I wanted to keep silent, but it's tormenting me. I feel that it's hard enough being alone in Chicago of all places... no family or close friends to tell, no one to console me the way family or long-time friends can. I can't put a happy face on anymore. I feel so broken, lethargic, and I can barely entertain myself without breaking down and crying. I feel that I need to withdraw from the world and even though it's just running away from the issues at hand, this is too much to bear.
First was Jen's mom, Mrs. Chou... now it hits closer to home, with Guama... I'm falling to pieces, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to burden friends, nor do I want to worry family... but I've considered flying home just to be with family, for the four-day weekend, but I just couldn't bring myself to spending money I didn't have. I wouldn't know who to run to except for my mom... but she's on the other side of the world, dealing with her own problems.
My throat constricts and swallowing/breathing is hard... thinking about everything, not being able to do anything... now I don't know what's going to happen.
I don't think my plans on visiting the Philippines will even happen in October or this year for that matter. The primary reason was to visit Guama, especially since she's getting older... but now, chances are slim of her surviving even past these two weeks. I feel like cussing a slew of obscenities but it just doesn't flow as easily as tears do. Why now? Things seemed ok, but everything is falling apart.
My internship got extended, but what does that do me when I can't see family during this time? I'm lucky that I haven't broken down at work yet, but I'm sure it'll happen if I'm not holding myself in check.
I'm having a hard time with processing where I am and how I'm doing, but crap this life is hard.
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| If only I could pause time... and use it to catch up on everything that's been going on around me.
I've practically disappeared from the internet ever since I began school at Cal Poly... it's weird. My internet usage began to decline when I started working at Google, but more so when I transferred and began living in the dorms. No torrent downloads, limited chat IM windows, down to less and less blogging per day/month.
I feel like I need to log in what I've been doing just to remind myself that I've done a lot of things in the short span of time I've been busy... yesterday I even forgot I showered in the morning because by the time I got home from school/work on-campus it was almost one in the morning!
So, in short, life is busy... but I still want to make time for people. My heart is set on visiting friends/family south of SLO... but I don't know if my car can make the trips. Plus my dad is in the Philippines currently, and my mom and aunt are going very soon, which gives me less reason to head up north before Thanksgiving. Sorry Josh, you're not special enough for a 5 hour drive to Davis just to visit you. I've been to Davis more times than you've been to SLO. :) But I still love you bro... and the random calls to check up on me makes me thankful to have an older brother that takes the time out of his day to see how his little sister is doing. I hope business is going well!
As for my little brother, I don't know. He's pretty busy with his life... I hate to bother him when he needs as much time in the day to enjoy his life now. But I miss him too. I miss all the petty childish fights we used to have... and even the rare (read: awkward) hugs we shared. He's growing up, and I'm proud of many of the decisions he's made in his life.
I miss my sister too. When she came up to visit and celebrate my grandmother's birthday in August, that was a great time I had with her. We were able to spend a little bit of time in SF together, unfortunately she got tied up visiting a friend, so we couldn't stay too long in SF. I hope to do more things with her in the near future.
I also got to visit my eldest brother in Arizona and the family there. My nephew and niece are adorable when they aren't crying. Haha. I have plenty of memories from my recent trip, and they currently have a photo in my cell phone background display.
It's funny when you grow up, you look back at all the things that seemed stable to you... and now you look at it, and everything has changed. I miss being with my family, but at the same time, I know that I can't look back and hope to go back to those days... but look forward and continue being positive.
My mind is currently wandering all over the place... so please excuse me for all the randomness I've been bringing up.
Friends... once again I've returned to this topic. I've written plenty on this in the past, and this time is probably no different. I definitely feel more at ease in making friends here in SLO, but at the same time, it's still so hard to. Being busy and just staying in the UGS office doesn't help me any, but overall, I think it's ok.
I can't help but think of all the friends I have made from the start... and thank them for actually sticking around and getting to know me. They have pretty much made me who I am today, besides family of course. :) What we all shared in our sad moments, silly moments, serious moments, and celebratory moments are in my heart, and I long to make more memories with all my friends. I've opened up my heart to some people, but I also hope that the action is returned in kind. And I still wonder in amazement of how big my circle of friends are, and the variety of characters and personality they range from. Not a single friend do I hope to disregard... so if you feel that I'm not doing my part of being a friend, do talk to me.
Mmm... relationships. A tough topic through the past few years for me, but now, I think I'm at the point where God has the full control now in this aspect. I'm glad, because I don't have to worry about it anymore. Maybe a few things, like what I need to deal with in growing up on my end, but in the end, God is the one who will show me where my heart needs to be at this moment, right now. I've got great mentors and disciplers to kick my butt into perspective, and I'm glad that God brought them to me early on in my life.
Well, I've delayed my 300+ pages of reading enough. I'm pretty much 3-4 weeks behind on reading for all my classes, but it hasn't hurt me too much yet. Soon it'll be detrimental to catch up. :) But until then, I'm going to crack open my text books and try doing at least half of the reading today. Until next time, ciao.
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| [Originally posted in 615.blogspot.com]
I'll be sending in my laptop to get the hinges repaired soon... I'm a bit anxious, but also a little wary of what the results may be.
Regardless, since I will be sending my laptop for repair, I will not be online, nor be able to get e-mails, complete any projects, and what not, so a quick sorry ahead of time.
Otherwise, if I had important things to complete before this week was out, I had them completed before the day was done. WOW AACF coupon and recipes for the care packages were completed, and so were the purchasing of the boxes. UGS coupons were done last week, and AACF leadership responsibilities for the retreat I can complete offline without my laptop.
I'm a bit sad, but I'm definitely hoping to get my laptop back ASAP. So until next time, ciao.
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| My precious Powerbook G4 TI has unfortunately been in an accident today.
Of the four years I've had this laptop, it's been through quite a lot under my care.
The first issue was when I pulled out a flashdrive too quickly... frying the flashdrive and in turn doing something to my laptop.
Second issue was my power cord coming apart, so I bought a new one to replace it...
And now, this. My screen no longer has support to be held in place, so I have to work around it to make it stand upright. The hinges that hold the screen up/in place have snapped due to my miscalculating how fast I should have picked it up from the ground.
I'm currently looking around for some deals on getting the hinges replaced, but so far, nothing below $245 has cropped up, outside of doing it on my own for about $130... and I'm not that talented to have my laptop come out of it safely if I do it on my own.
I've got a ton of things to do before the year starts, and this isn't helping me at all, since all the stuff is work I need to do on my computer. I'm bummed.
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| [Originally posted on 615.blogspot.com]
Well, here I am. I'm still alive and well. Although I may have disappeared from the outside world and online community, I'll try to resurface once in a while.
Over the past few days... maybe a week or so, I've been on YouTube watching Korean dramas from my waking moments until 2, 4, or even 7 in the morning. So, if I've passed up hanging out with people late at night, or tried to shove meeting times to be a little later in the day, then that's the reason why. I have no excuse whatsoever besides that I've gotten back into the drama craze for the time being. It's what keeps me entertained. And, I can almost do it 24/7 if I didn't need any sleep. As such, watching dramas on YouTube, I rarely left my bed except to eat my late lunch or dinner. Ah, what a life!
So far, the dramas I've watched are: My Name is Kim Sam Soon (My Lovely Sam Soon), My Girl, Full House, My Love Patzzi, Biscuit Teacher and Sugar Candy (not totally sure of the name)... with about 16 episodes per drama. 16 episodes amounting to 16 or so hours of video, with each episode being one hour each split into 6-8 eight to ten minute videos. My thanks to SP for reminding me that I can find dramas on YT. Hopefully, I can get myself away from the computer to at least have a life for a day or two.
Any how, just to catch up on what I've been doing outside of watching dramas:
I went bowling with May Bui, Jen Chao, Kim Pham and Jen Wang from CHS on Wednesday night. At first, I thought it was only the five of us, but we met with a lot of Kim and Jen Chao's bowling friends, so it was pretty fun. The group was bigger than expected, and we took over at least 4 lanes at the Oakridge bowling alley. That place was pretty nice and fancy with a bar/sports couch area with a lot of lanes.
I went walking around the neighborhood with my parents at the park nearby our house, and that was a nice time away from the computer.
Friday morning, I will be meeting with Helen to catch up and hang out before she goes to work.
Other than that, my life isn't that exciting. I plan to go back to SLO at the end of the week for a couple weeks, move my room into the master bedroom and then head back to Cupertino to fly out to Arizona to visit my relatives, and my niece and nephew (the little cuties), and then fly back to head back down to school to get ready for the upcoming school year. It'll be quite a crazy time in the next few weeks, but it was nice to just have a calm, relaxing time to prepare myself for the busy school year ahead.
Mmm, I guess it's about time to sleep.
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| [Originally posted on 615.blogspot.com]
I had issues registering for one particular class in my major on Monday afternoon, but after several days of phone tag with the administrative assistants in my department, I am "number 3" on the waitlist for the lab/class.
What a mess. I hope to get in the class, because I don't want my Spring quarter to be like the last Spring quarter I had before going to Europe. That was too crazy for me. And I don't want a crazy last quarter right before graduation! And, sadly my birthday will probably coincide quite closely to my graduation date. Maybe it's not that bad... I may get double the presents... or not, depending on how everything turns out.
Ah, instead of being stuck in front of the television for a full day, these past few days I've taken to adjusting my habits and trying to stick to one or two shows and wander around the tiny house to entertain myself. I also have become addicted to a Korean drama on AZNtv (Channel 69, cable) called "My Lovely Samsoon"... Ah, there is more reason to wake up at an alotted time. Hehehe...
I'm almost back to my anime/drama habits from two summers ago. But I probably can't keep going like this, because I'll have to get back down to business with prepping for the coming school year as "core coordinator" for AACF SLO and as a marketing manager for the on campus printing company, University Graphic Systems (UGS), run by students in my department/major. And my position isn't paid, so it'll be a good experience for me in the coming year.
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| Edinburg, Scotland... here I come!
Leaving on a train bound for Scotland at 10 am or so... I hope that I will at least have internet access once I arrive at the Hariot Watt University where I will have my own room.
Amsterdam was great for the most part. I, however did not smoke anything from the coffeeshops, nor did I touch any alcohol while there. I did eat some yummy Chinese food in China Town, as well as from Wok to Walk... and did plenty of shopping which I would say, may be an additional dent to my bank account on top of my expenses within the UK.
If I had a chance, I think I would visit Amsterdam again, and maybe take a little more time to enjoy the outskirts of the city, and visit the windmills, Rotterdam, and actually go when tulips are in season (April-May). The weather forecasted was crappy... but when I got there, the weather was at first gloomy, and then poof! Blue skies with a few puffy clouds bespeckling the sky.
For the most part, I watched a few of my classmates get high on mj and get a little weird on shrooms. I didn't enjoy being around them at those times, but I didn't dare wander around the city at night by myself... and I didn't want to hang out in the room by myself... but, when I could, I'd steal away hours during the day to wander and wander I did.
I found really cute shops along the way, and bought some stuff for my nephew and niece, as well as undecided souveniers for friends. Didn't get as many pictures as I'd hoped, but I got quite a few on my last day there.
Despite what a lot of people think, the Dutch can speak a fair amount of English, and it wasn't too hard to navigate around the areas if you could find people willing to give you directions. Much of the time, the Dutch are friendly.
However, if anyone ever plans to visit the Netherlands, be prepared to find very little English around. Streets, menus, etc... you'll be bombarded by words you never even knew before... and it's quite a shocker at first, but take the time to learn a few words... and get a hang of the streets and what side cars are driving on... and you'll be just fine.
On a different note, I am pretty sure I made quite a few Dutch people pissed off, because I'd accidently find myself in the bike lane and almost getting run over by oncoming traffic or bikes... Luckily... I can get out of the way... or they are quick enough to go around me. Sadly, on my part, I don't know how to ride a bike... and if I ever want to live in Amsterdam... bikes are a necessity to getting around quickly.
Oh well.
Here are a few Dutch words for your vocabulary:
kip = chicken
korting = savings/sale
beir = beer
straat = street
And despite the assumption that all Europeans drive the opposite way Americans do, the Dutch actually drive on the same side as Americans do. Go figure. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I leave for London/Europe in less than 12 hours! It's a little crazy for me to grasp the concept at the moment... but I'm stoked.
Pray for a safe journey and arrival!
Let me know if you'd like anything from Europe... send addresses to my Gmail email... and if you want to Skype me, my screen name is mystikjade. :)
I'm off to sleep. I've got an early day tomorrow. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| [ Originally posted at http://615.blogspot.com ]
I got my GWR/WPE score back today... and I passed with a score of 10! I'm so relieved! I remember getting the same score from De Anza's writing requirements to get into certain English courses... but I can't remember if I blogged about it.
I also got back my request to substitute a major course requirement with an affirmative answer... so I don't need to take the packaging class. I am a little sad but at the same time, happy that I have one less class to take... but then again, I'll probably be short of units come Spring quarter of next year. Hopefully I don't go crazy with all the stuff I'm doing between school, work, fellowship, and other activities.
God's definitely been blessing me with everything he's brought me through. Can I get an amen?
On a different note, I miss my family. Josh is in Africa as a "visiting scientist"—he's always ahead of the game... be it getting awesome job experiences while in high school or doing mission trips to Mexico or China (Mongolia)... he's a brother that I look up to, and I couldn't ask for a more Godly sibling. My dad called me in the morning and told me that they were adding me to their driver's insurance, so that's cool. AND on top of that, the white Acura is now fixed... or so dad says. They'll be coming down to SLO on Saturday to visit. I'm so happy! I missed my parents. Too bad I have to give up the Cadillac. But it'll be better, since I think I won't be using as much gas driving around town!
God, you're awesome. You make me look good, but really, I'm nothing without you. Thank you for all the things you've been answering steadily... throughout this quarter.
32 more days until London!
When I look back over my old journal entries, I think to myself..."Man, I sound retarded...!"
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| God's moving.
Can you feel him?
ARMS OF LOVE
I sing a simple song of love,
To my Savior, to my Jesus.
I'm grateful for the things You've done,
My loving Savior, O precious Jesus.
My heart is glad that You've called me Your own.
There's no place I'd rather be,
(Than) In Your arms of love
In Your arms of love
Holding me still, holding me near,
In Your arms of love.
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| Modification
My Spring quarter schedule has been modified this past week. Thankfully, I have a few more hours in the week to really devote to school, rather than work. I think I can retract my statement about being extremely busy... and needing a personal chef. No one really took up the offer any way. :)
Moderation
I definitely need to do my reading and play time in moderation. I've been going to sleep in the wee hours of the morning, and usually, I have to wake up between 2 to 5 hours after I go to sleep. I need to work on that this quarter, especially if I want to get good grades, and actually stay awake in several afternoon classes! I have no problems in the morning or late in the afternoon, but by noontime, my eyes start drooping and I start nodding off.
Also, I definitely need to work on moderating my food intake... well, mostly for eating out. I've been somewhat good so far. It's so hard for me, especially when I love hanging out with people over food. But I rarely have enough time to make a full meal for myself. But I'm definitely getting better about eating left overs.
Medication
I need to start popping back some allergy medicine. I don't know how long this rainy weather will last, but I'd be totally devastated, since my allergies will be in full swing with sunny SLO weather. I have been lucky so far though, hopefully it'll last a little longer. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Um... I cut my hair... and I definitely feel regrets... oh man... a lot of regrets. I have pictures... but uh... I probably want to wear a cap for a few months.
Dangit!
But that's also among other things.
*Sigh.* | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Father, I gave my word to let go of whatever has held me back from loving you completely. To let go of sinful thoughts, desires, and to let you do your will in my life. For you have said you would provide, to give not a "no" to the things I want, but an "instead of"—an alternative that is better than I would have hoped for myself.
I want so much... and yet I deserve little. I am and have been arrogant in my ways. You've broken me down by spirit, by mental health, and definitely my health. A broken spirit to see the suffering around me, and the things going inside me as well. A breaking down of my mental health by proving that I can't do anything alone when it comes to expressing my thoughts... such as failing miserably in both tries of my GWR for my literature course, and the difficulty of processing thoughts in general whilst sick. The breaking down of my health is definitely a testimony of my strength in comparison to God's awesome strength. In losing my voice, I have come to realize that my words may not have been encouraging to my brothers and sisters, and have probably been more degrading and negative in nature. I hope that as I learn to grasp this concept of speaking wisely, and using words with care and love, and not to break down others, that I do not forget the things God has been teaching me of late.
The message by Jacob Rosales of UCSB's AACF, on Friday, hit home in my heart of hearts. Minister through brokeness, and reading the Word and praying every day is definitely important to my personal walk, and in being able to minister to others around me. I can't afford to be a hypocrite in telling others to do their part when I can't even do mine...
God, help me see more of you in my life, help me fall in love with you, help me to turn to you when I'm angry, when I'm sad, depressed and worn out. I pray that you are the one that holds me close when I am in need of comfort, and one to rebuke me when I am in the wrong... which I am most of the time.
Use me and break me down to be humble before you, and to show people around me what you have done and are doing in my life. May my words be glorifying to you. May my life and actions and thoughts be most glorifying to you, and may it not be for appearances or for getting respect. I don't need it, and I have realized my folly.
I have been a retarded and grossly self-centered daughter, yet you still love me the same. So I want to profess my life to be yours, and for you to do your will in it. May I be more in love with you every day than the day before. May my words not be condemning, negative, or used to break down others, but to be encouraging, positive, and used to comfort others... but in the face of sin, be able to rebuke with righteousness and only from you.
Be my joy, be my love, be my completion to this dark and lonely world. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Yes! | | Time: | 11:46 pm |
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| I am heading down to L.A. to meet up with my parents this weekend. It should be interesting.
How I miss family.
I'll be staying over at my sister's until Friday evening, when my parents arrive from Nor Cal. I don't know what I will be doing this weekend, but I can tell you that there will be plenty of Chinese food, and trips around town.
Sadly my sister will be at a retreat, hence I will not see her too much during the weekend. There will always be Spring Break. :) That is unless I end up just going up north to be pampered.
Still homesick, but I think seeing my parents will ease it a bit. I got my parents to bring down my art history textbook with them to L.A... so I can refer to which museums I want to hit up in the summer. Yeah, baby.
And I guess to top off this oh very exciting entry, the men of Aaron and Ivan's Wednesday small group dropped off a belated Valentine's card and flower at my apartment this evening. Their first try, they ended up giving me Lorraine Chan's card, and had to return to switch it with my real one. It was funny while it lasted. :) I definitely feel appreciated. Thanks again guys (if you read this).
And last night Jenna, my roommate gave me roses and a card. Very sweet of her. Must figure out something to do for her. And definitely extra love should go to Kelly for her wonderful heart. She washes the dishes and does our chores for us!! It drives me nuts, but at the same time, I am so not worthy of her good graces... She's just too awesome for words. I heart you, Ms. Kelly Chadwick. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| For not doing the laundry in SLO for about four weeks, I am now paying for it.
I've had to 're-dry' my 4 (or 5) loads of laundry in the dryers in my building once, but they did not work. The heating portion of the dryer did not work. So, I went to the other ones in the complex, and after two tries, they also did not work.
So I must try to dry them, again. I have pretty much used my $10.00 on this load of laundry. I would say it would amount to about 4 weeks worth of laundry that I'm having trouble with. So should I give it one more try in the dryer? Well, maybe. I'll go sort through what is dry and what isn't, and maybe give it another go. This is ridiculous. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Ache | | Time: | 11:39 pm |
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| I'm sick, and it sucks. My head is ready to burst. I've been suffering from dizzy spells, incessant coughing, continuous sneezing spells, bad headaches, lack of sleep, bad casino air, and a constant change of temperature since going to Las Vegas. I'm hoping that this does not last long. It has already been about a week. It feels like it's getting worse!
Although I will admit that the Vegas trip was overall fun, there were times I wanted to shoot myself in the head because I had nothing to do. Go figure. I didn't want to lose any more money than I already was on buffets and shows. Hopefully my bank account will recuperate soon. Must work hard for my summer trip to London/Europe.
When I'm not feeling as ill, I'll make it a point to write an update on what I have been up to during winter break, if I remember it at all. This cold/sinus is killing me. I'm heading to bed. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | I'll be at Las Vegas from today until Jan 2, and will be
quickly returning to SLO upon my arrival to Tino. Thus, if I were to
have plans to hang out with you this break, I must regret to inform you
that I'm not available that is unless you actually went to Vegas as
well. So, the best form of contact now to reach me is by cell, so dial
my number if you need to holler.
Best wishes and a happy new year! Yay for school.
| | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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